Question for you…
How many times do you ask someone to put a basket of their laundry away that is sitting in the middle of your family room or how long do you wait for them to put the said basket of their laundry away before you just take the whole basket and use it to start a bon fire in your backyard?
3- 4 times asking? 3-4 weeks? Gentle reminders here and there each week for those 3-4 weeks?
Just Curious. Asking for a friend.
So one of my bucket list items probably since I got married 10 years ago and my husband started taking me to all the demolition derbies, was to actually do but demolition derby. I kept saying I wanted to do it but never really thought that it would actually happen. Never thought that we would actually get a car, fix it the way it’s supposed to be, and that I would actually run it.
Well this year, at the end of the season, that all completely changed!
My husband’s/our cousins all have ran in a few of the local derbies and one of them decided that the couple that they ran in was enough for the year, but their car was still indecent shape enough to be ran and compete. So our other cousin, Dustin, reached out to my husband and said hey we got an extra car if you want if your wife wants to drive it. He mentioned it to me and I said sure!
Again still not really thinking anything was going to happen. The car would end up not running, we wouldn’t have the money for registration, something, cuz that’s normally my luck anyway. Well everything worked out, and I ran in my first demolition derby. I didn’t win, I didn’t place, but I was not the first one out and I didn’t receive any major injuries or flip my car over lol.
It all happened so quickly it was just like a blur. I remember it’s starting I backed up hit a couple people It was paused because somebody’s car flipped over, it started again I think I backed up and then I got hit and hit and hit and my car was done. Cannot shift or anything anymore.
I think next year, if I do this again, which I really kind of hope I am, I want to do a different type / class a vehicle where there is a little less in each meet. I’m hoping that maybe if there is less vehicles that I will be able to focus and actually be able to hit somebody and not just get hit and get out.
So here’s to next year!
He is risen!
To my first born, my oldest son…
Looking back on our life together and seeing how I mother your youngest siblings, I feel like I have failed you… well, not failed, but just could have done better. I was so focused on myself that I missed the mark when it came to being a mom. I was so worried about making others happy- your dad, your mawmaw, your grami… that I didn’t focus on your happiness as much as I should have. I should have spent more time with YOU. Had more one-on-one time with YOU. You were a strong-willed child and at times, I didn’t know how to parent. I did the best I could with what I knew, what I was being told, and what I thought was best. I often wonder if it was right. 
I don’t know how your life would have turned out, if I had made different choices. I don’t know if it would have been better or worse? I guess that is one thing only God knows. 
I love you so much son. I so wish we were closer. I wish you would open up and share things with me. I wish you felt like you could come to me and tell me anything. I am sorry for whatever I did, or said, or acted that made you feel you couldn’t. I wish you could think of me as your best friend, because I am. I am always there for you, even if you don’t so what I think is best, I am still here for you and will support you to the best of my abilities. I know its awkward talking with me, hanging out with me… that is one area we are so much alike… if we have nothing to say… we don’t. But you know what… that is okay. I am fine with just sitting in silence with you. 
I hope one day that you will feel that you can come to me. I hope that when you are happy, sad, hurt, angry, whatever it is… you know that I am always here for you. I will always have a shoulder for you to cry on, arms to hold you close, and words to tell you that I love you.
I am so proud of the man you have become. You are stronger than you realize. You have more motivation and determination in your life right now than most people your age- or honestly than you ever have had before. I am proud of you for that. There is not a day that goes by that I think about something you said, or did and think… wow!!! that is my kid. 
I love you son!
Today I asked my husband to take the babies and middle girls to my mom’s since it’s her day to babysit. Which he did for me.
Why do I feel guilty for it??
Why do I feel like I inconvenienced him in some way because he had to take HIS kids to my mom’s for her to babysit?
Why is guilt such a hard thing when you are a mom!!!
I wanted to get into work as early as possible for a meeting. Which meant either waking up super early and getting the kids to my mom’s super early (which she would not really want). Or I would be late. Or the 3rd (guilt-ridded) option, have hubby take them.
How many of you moms feel guilty when dad does something for the kids that you normally do??
Every. single. day I get up- take the big girls to their separate schools, get the little girls up (which includes multiple trips into their rooms to wake them), make sure that their hair is not a complete disaster, they have decent clothes on and shoes, coats, masks and bookbags for school. I get the babies dressed, make sure the diaper bag is packed and that they have their coats on. Monday through Friday, this is what I do. Not to mention, load two babies up in the car and unload them and get them into my mom’s or back home. What does he do every morning? Get up and go to work. ( I am sure some mornings there is more in between getting up and going to work hahaha).
I should not feel guilty because he is doing something as a father.
Why should moms always be the main caretaker of everything for kids? Why can’t dad do things once in a while without mom feeling guilty?
I Refuse To Feel Guilty.
This week I have come to realize…..
Thank you to everyone that contributed!
If you would like to send in your own realization please go to the Wanna Chat tab and submit there. All information is kept confidential.
Have a great weekend!
In my previous post- you got to see how my 2021 was. While overall not horrible and really neither was 2020… it just seemed like it was one thing after another after another…
January I finally went to the doc after about a month of not feeling great and horrible sore throats… found out I had strep the whole time!
February my daughter’s two chinchillas passed away. She was heartbroken.
March comes along and I get laid off of work for quarantine/covid.
I started back to work at the end of April beginning of May. Trying to juggle working again, and being a “homeschool” mom along with everything else that I have to do became very overwhelming. So overwhelming to the point that if I didn’t have my kids, husband, and family, I probably would have tried to end my life. I just felt like I can’t handle it all. I talked with my husband and my doctor and go put on new meds. (Honestly being in quarantine during covid was the best thing that happened all year for me – besides finding out I was prego).
July came and my brother was admitted to the hospital. Looking back now- the whole thing was a blur. He was in the hospital for a little over a week. He was finally discharged and then readmitted a few weeks later.
While my brother was in the hospital my son OD’d on acid. I had to call the police and ambulance on him because I couldn’t help him nor control him during this. This broke my soul. And honestly, there is not a day that goes by that I remember that night perfectly. Every time I hear certain sounds or see certain things- it takes me right back to that moment. I can’t even explain what that night did to me mentally and emotionally. At one point during that episode my son tried to run out of the house and I had to block the door so he didn’t because I knew how dangerous that could be for him and for anyone he may encounter outside of the house. As I was blocking the door from him- he drop-kicked my leg and my knee gave out. Thank goodness my husband was there to wrestle him to the ground and hold him there until the police arrived to put him in handcuffs and get him on the ambulance to go to the hospital till he sobered up till morning.
The next morning I went to urgent care because I couldn’t walk. Nothing was broken luckily but I was very sore and couldn’t put any weight on that knee. (still to this day I have issues if I walk/move a certain way)
August, I found out I was pregnant. I was super excited. As soon as I found out though it was like a switch went off and I instantly had morning sickness. Out of all of my kids, this was the worst. I could barely function because I constantly wanted to vomit but never could. I finally got put on meds and it helped so much!
September I started bleeding and just knew I was having a miscarriage. I dropped my daughter off at school (all while trying not to sob because I didn’t want her to know anything- and I am an idiot because she obviously did)and headed straight up to the ER with my husband. They weren’t going to let him in with me because of covid restrictions and I freaked out a little bit and told them that I was having a miscarriage and I needed him there, so they let him come back. I had an ultrasound and blood work done and the doc comes back and in and was like “did you know you weren’t having twins??” then goes on to talk about twins and pregnancy and all of that. I am bawling my eyes out because now I am thinking I just miscarried twins!!! And then the doc was like “they both have heartbeats”. I just started laughing. I was so so so happy! I called my midwife once I was discharged to let them know what was going on and once I told them it was twins, they let me know that I am considered high risk and that they can no longer have me as a patient. So I had to find a new doc. Which I did.
During this time I had a follow-up ultrasound done because the US tech at the hospital saw something they didn’t think was just right… With baby B the gap between the base of the neck and the lining of the sac was bigger than it is supposed to be. With the gap the size that it is, there is a 50% chance that there could be something wrong. Luckily a few weeks later I got the test results for the blood work and everything turned out ok with that. There were a few other tests that I needed to do, but in the end, everything turned out perfect!!
November came along and Mady had to have emergency surgery for a burst appendix. She was in the hospital for almost a week with that.
During the next months other than the whole pregnancy things… everything was ok other than our two cats passed away. One from old age and the other was hit by a car. Oh and the day after Christmas, I found out I had covid- so you know that just ended the year perfectly!
So Yea… that was my 2020.
Overthinking Mama 