To my first born, my oldest son…

Looking back on our life together and seeing how I mother your youngest siblings, I feel like I have failed you… well, not failed, but just could have done better. I was so focused on myself that I missed the mark when it came to being a mom. I was so worried about making others happy- your dad, your mawmaw, your grami… that I didn’t focus on your happiness as much as I should have. I should have spent more time with YOU. Had more one-on-one time with YOU. You were a strong-willed child and at times, I didn’t know how to parent. I did the best I could with what I knew, what I was being told, and what I thought was best. I often wonder if it was right. 

I don’t know how your life would have turned out, if I had made different choices. I don’t know if it would have been better or worse? I guess that is one thing only God knows. 

I love you so much son. I so wish we were closer. I wish you would open up and share things with me. I wish you felt like you could come to me and tell me anything. I am sorry for whatever I did, or said, or acted that made you feel you couldn’t. I wish you could think of me as your best friend, because I am. I am always there for you, even if you don’t so what I think is best, I am still here for you and will support you to the best of my abilities. I know its awkward talking with me, hanging out with me… that is one area we are so much alike… if we have nothing to say… we don’t. But you know what… that is okay. I am fine with just sitting in silence with you. 

I hope one day that you will feel that you can come to me. I hope that when you are happy, sad, hurt, angry, whatever it is… you know that I am always here for you. I will always have a shoulder for you to cry on, arms to hold you close, and words to tell you that I love you.

I am so proud of the man you have become. You are stronger than you realize. You have more motivation and determination in your life right now than most people your age- or honestly than you ever have had before. I am proud of you for that. There is not a day that goes by that I think about something you said, or did and think… wow!!! that is my kid. 

I love you son!