Author: Mama

Just a Christian Mama who thinks way too much... about everything. I work two jobs. I have 5 kids. I am happily married. I am going to college. I have 5 dogs, a cat, a bunny and a tarantula.

I am tired

by Mama, posted in Uncategorized

Some days are just rough…

This week… Hell this month has been rough for me mentally. 

I am trying really hard to keep going but this past week it’s like I hit a wall. I can barely do the bare minimum. Everything feels so overwhelming. I feel so alone. I know I’m not but the feeling is still there.

I can’t stand my house. It’s dirty. It’s cluttered. It’s too small for all of the people that live there.  Christmas just intensified it all with all of the gifts that the kids all got.  There is no room for any of it. 

I am so tired of holding back tears all the time because everything just feels so overwhelming.  I am fighting panic attacks. I just want to crawl in a corner and disappear.  Nothing I ask if my kids gets done, nothing I say makes a difference. No punishments make a difference.

I started to write that post at the end of December 2025. Mentally things got better for a few weeks after that…. but right now, I feel like I am right back into that mindset.

I feel numb, but not numb at the same time, if that makes any sense. I feel like I have so many emotions going on at the same time that I just go numb.

Right now I feel like I have to force myself to do anything. To get up, to get dressed, work, life. All I want to do is sleep. I feel like I am zoned out- just functioning in a fog.

I have so many thoughts and feelings that are going around in my head that it is overwhelming. And I don’t really feel like I have anyone I can talk to about any of it. I am not even sure if I explain all of that.

I don’t want people to pity me or feel sorry for me. I don’t want people to think I am weak or I can’t handle life. I don’t want people to tell me that what they are going through is worse. I don’t want them to say they have gone through the same thing and handled it better than me. I see people dealing with their own issues. I don’t want to burden anyone with what I am going through.

I don’t have the energy in any capacity to handle anyone else having a problem or an issue. My empathy levels are maxed out.

I feel so overwhelmed with everything I have to do… to remember to do. I need to make sure Mady is up. She needs to be on her online schoolwork every day. I have to fight with her constantly throughout the day. This ensures she is still on and actually does all of her work. I am trying to get an IEP set up for her. I have to make sure we see her counselor to figure out what is going on mentally for her. I have to make sure that Mia is doing all of her online stuff that she needs to and is getting all of the hours that she needs each day. I have to make sure that clothes are washed and the twins clothes are picked out for each day to make everything easier on everyone in the mornings. I have to make sure all towels and anything else is washed, dried and put away every week so we can shower. I have to make sure my mom remembers her appointments. Ren wants help making her own appointments for things. I have to make my own appointments to make sure I stay up to date on everything. I have to remember every month to request and pick up med refills. On the weeks that Brett is gone, I have to make sure everyone is up and at school on time, figure out dinner every night, worry that the twins won’t get picked up off the bus everyday, make sure that I don’t stay at work too late since I have to pick them up, and drive an extra 20 min to pick them up. I stress worrying that bills aren’t paid or if I am going to have money for gas or food or anything extra when Brett is gone. I am constantly worried about my kids mindset- if I am doing everything right. Am I building them up and not tearing them down? Am I supporting them enough? Am I reassuring them and telling/showing them that I love them? Plus all the work stress that I have to deal with.

Then throw in random things- oil changes, finishing projects, clothes for the kids, lightbulbs that need changed, things that need to be fixed, messed from the animals, cleaning walls, decorating for anything, etc…

It all right now feels so overwhelming.

There is a small part of me that wishes I could just get in my car and drive and not stop.

I wonder if I left, if anyone other than the kids would notice? Would it make any difference?

I am just tired of feeling like I am a failure. I am tired of feeling alone.

I am tired.

Asking for a Friend…

by Mama, posted in Uncategorized

Question for you…

How many times do you ask someone to put a basket of their laundry away that is sitting in the middle of your family room or how long do you wait for them to put the said basket of their laundry away before you just take the whole basket and use it to start a bon fire in your backyard?

3- 4 times asking? 3-4 weeks? Gentle reminders here and there each week for those 3-4 weeks?

Just Curious. Asking for a friend.

43rd Birthday

by Mama, posted in Family Time
Hanging out with oldest daughter
Endless Root beer floats
Pics with my bestie
Gift bag was so big baby girl had to get in🤣
Taco cake at work
I have amazing coworkers!
New Watch!!

I had an absolutely wonderful birthday!

Here’s to the next 43!

Bucket list item checked off!

by Mama, posted in Uncategorized

So one of my bucket list items probably since I got married 10 years ago and my husband started taking me to all the demolition derbies, was to actually do but demolition derby. I kept saying I wanted to do it but never really thought that it would actually happen. Never thought that we would actually get a car, fix it the way it’s supposed to be, and that I would actually run it.

Well this year, at the end of the season, that all completely changed!

My husband’s/our cousins all have ran in a few of the local derbies and one of them decided that the couple that they ran in was enough for the year, but their car was still indecent shape enough to be ran and compete. So our other cousin, Dustin, reached out to my husband and said hey we got an extra car if you want if your wife wants to drive it. He mentioned it to me and I said sure!

Again still not really thinking anything was going to happen. The car would end up not running, we wouldn’t have the money for registration, something, cuz that’s normally my luck anyway. Well everything worked out, and I ran in my first demolition derby. I didn’t win, I didn’t place, but I was not the first one out and I didn’t receive any major injuries or flip my car over lol.

It all happened so quickly it was just like a blur. I remember it’s starting I backed up hit a couple people It was paused because somebody’s car flipped over, it started again I think I backed up and then I got hit and hit and hit and my car was done. Cannot shift or anything anymore.

I think next year, if I do this again, which I really kind of hope I am, I want to do a different type / class a vehicle where there is a little less in each meet. I’m hoping that maybe if there is less vehicles that I will be able to focus and actually be able to hit somebody and not just get hit and get out.

So here’s to next year!

Girl Scout Roller Skating Night

by Mama, posted in EliCub, Family Time, GraciCat, LilyBee, MadyBear, ThompsonTwinTornados

We had so much fun roller skating the other night! The twins had a blast! Graci didn’t stop skating the whole night. Lijah had a lot of fun but then got distracted by the arcade games for a bit and then was done skating for the night. Mady and Lily loved it too especially spending time with their parents. Lily, after we got home, kept asking me if I had fun because she had a ton of fun.

We all can’t wait to go again!!

Dear PeyPey

by Mama, posted in PeyPey, Uncategorized

To my first born, my oldest son…

Looking back on our life together and seeing how I mother your youngest siblings, I feel like I have failed you… well, not failed, but just could have done better. I was so focused on myself that I missed the mark when it came to being a mom. I was so worried about making others happy- your dad, your mawmaw, your grami… that I didn’t focus on your happiness as much as I should have. I should have spent more time with YOU. Had more one-on-one time with YOU. You were a strong-willed child and at times, I didn’t know how to parent. I did the best I could with what I knew, what I was being told, and what I thought was best. I often wonder if it was right. 

I don’t know how your life would have turned out, if I had made different choices. I don’t know if it would have been better or worse? I guess that is one thing only God knows. 

I love you so much son. I so wish we were closer. I wish you would open up and share things with me. I wish you felt like you could come to me and tell me anything. I am sorry for whatever I did, or said, or acted that made you feel you couldn’t. I wish you could think of me as your best friend, because I am. I am always there for you, even if you don’t so what I think is best, I am still here for you and will support you to the best of my abilities. I know its awkward talking with me, hanging out with me… that is one area we are so much alike… if we have nothing to say… we don’t. But you know what… that is okay. I am fine with just sitting in silence with you. 

I hope one day that you will feel that you can come to me. I hope that when you are happy, sad, hurt, angry, whatever it is… you know that I am always here for you. I will always have a shoulder for you to cry on, arms to hold you close, and words to tell you that I love you.

I am so proud of the man you have become. You are stronger than you realize. You have more motivation and determination in your life right now than most people your age- or honestly than you ever have had before. I am proud of you for that. There is not a day that goes by that I think about something you said, or did and think… wow!!! that is my kid. 

I love you son!