It has been a rough weekend and I haven’t been in the best mood.

Saturday morning I woke up extra tired. I just wanted 10 more minutes of sleep. Just 10 more minutes, but of course I needed to get to the church for bible study and work.  I woke up to find that the babies were into a bunch of my work stuff.  I repeat myself multiple times every single day that they are NOT to touch ANYTHING THAT IS NOT THEIRS.   I feel like no matter what I say or what punishments I give, they just don’t think or care if it feels like. I know that it is good that you are curious and all of that… but they also need to learn right and wrong.  I don’t know what else to do to implement that into their heads.

Then, my teenage son, I feel manipulated me this past weekend.  That made me very angry and very hurt.  I am still feeling that way. I am just so tired of how he acts and treats everyone. I am tired of always being a mom and loving to him. I am tired of always trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and him always proving me wrong and everyone else right. I see so much potential in him though I am sure every mom says that about their child even when they are messing up everything in their life.  He is hard-headed like me and has to learn life the hard way but making the mistakes himself and learning from them… I need to let go and let him do that.  He will be 18 in May and hopefully graduated in June.  At that point, I honestly have no clue what his plans are or what he is planning to do if anything different than what he is currently doing minus the highschool part.  I just keep praying every day for him, for his mind, his heart and his future.  God has a plan for him.

I am just on the edge of being burnt out I feel. My full-time job has become very overwhelming. I have to bring work home with me every night…. most nights I don’t even get to it because I have so much at home that needs to get done.   I feel like I am failing at my full-time job and it is affecting my home life and my other jobs because I am constantly trying to do as much as possible as quickly as possible so I can get as much done as possible.   I am two months behind on my homework for my class. I need to get that caught up and completed this week before my next class this weekend.  Life just feels like its never-ending. I just need a day- a full day to myself. No kids. No jobs. Just me… to stay in bed, read, meditate, have time with God.  Something needs to change. And even right now as I am writing this blog, I feel like I should be working. I should be doing something else.

But the only thing I am going to do now is head to bed. I am exhausted. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better and my mind will be more settled and focused on what it needs to be done.

 

 

I ended up waking up late this morning and missing church.  I hate when that happens. It doesn’t happen a lot thankfully but it’s like by Sunday’s my body is just done from the week. Sunday morning comes along and I have to force myself just to get up and moving.  Then as soon as I get home from church- it’s right to bed for a couple hour nap.  That is my Sunday tradition. A Nap. Without it I don’t know how I would make it through the week… and sometimes the alarm just isn’t loud enough on Sunday morning. Then I have a struggle dialog in my head throughout the rest of my day. I should have gone to church. I feel guilty. I feel discouraged. Then the other side is telling me, I must have needed that extra sleep, that I needed this time at home, that I can have my time with God that I haven’t had in a very long time. I miss it so much.

I feel like I am stuck in a slump. Like there is so much I want to change and it’s like no matter what I do or think or plan…. I just can’t get any of it accomplished.

I want to start getting up early so I can have time with God before work… morning comes and I am so tired, I just want “5 more minutes”… until its the absolute last second before I have to leave for work and I run around like crazy trying to hurry and get ready.

I want to go to the gym after work. It is literally 5 minutes from my work, right on my way home… and I have my clothes and shoes in the car for the last 2 weeks so I can go straight after work… and yet I haven’t been once. I want to, but then I start thinking about all the people. Looking at me as I walk in. Judging me as I try to figure out what I want to do and how to do it. Laughing and whispering to their friends about me.  And I know none of that is true nor does it matter, but in my head, it’s very true.

I just keep thinking if I get this done, I will have more time. If I get caught up with laundry, I can do more things I want. If I… If I… If I…  The “if I’s” never seem to work out.

It is a daily struggle.

This song has helped me the last couple of days with just getting my mind and spirit centered where it needs to be.

I need to get back to where God is at the center of everything- not just when I have the time or the energy. He needs to be the center of my being.

Check out the song and let me know what you think!!

This is what anxiety looks like to me.

Its standing frozen in one spot continually biting the skin around my finger- not able to move forward with anything until that little piece of skin on my finger feels just right.

It’s feeling like there are ants with needled feet crawling up and down your entire body but on the inside.

It’s feeling like I can’t sit still but I also can’t get up and move.

It’s shaking my entire body trying to get rid of this feeling over and over again without any relief.

It’s just wanting to curl up in bed and never leave.

It’s that constant nagging fear that something is wrong or is going to go wrong or I am wrong but not really knowing why or how or what.

It’s clicking on your mouse at different links but never really reading anything.

It’s doing everything but what you are supposed to be doing.

It’s thinking that if I do this or that I will feel better but again- no relief.

It’s feeling like my stomach has joined a gymnastics team and thinks they are great… but really they are not.

It’s taking an extra dose of Prozac and not getting any relief.

It’s wanting your hubby and kids to love on you but not wanting to be touched either.

I know it will pass. I know I won’t always feel like this…  but in it, it feels like it will never end.

 

I feel like my mind is just a big blob at the moment.  

I can’t think right. 

I have so much to do and yet, I am just sitting here staring at everything. 

I have work to do, blogs to write, a website or 2 to get set up and hopefully running… I have a business that I am trying to start that I need to get details figured out. 

And my brain is in overload/shut down mode. I can not concentrate on one single thing.. 

I just need to get started. Just start with one thing, but honestly, I have no motivation. 

God is with me though. I feel His presence next to me. It will all work out. 

 

MEANT TO POST THIS A FEW WEEKS AGO- I COPIED AND PASTED BUT FORGOT TO GET WHERE THE ORIGINAL SOURCE WAS FROM. I AM SORRY.

This store touched my heart so much. I wanted to share

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The original author wanted to remain annonomys.

 

Not even sure how to start. This is a burden that has been on my heart for a while and I have told very few people about this experience because honestly, I know most will see me as in the wrong because I am not the stereotypical look of being “raped”, but in reality I was.  It has taken me a long time to move on and get over this because even though I knew it was rape- part of me blamed myself and if I am truthful, I still have moments where I have flashbacks to that night and replay every moment and everything I could have done differently to make the outcome not be the one that it was. 

But this is my story, my pain, my dark hole. I am hoping that with this article, it will open a light up for other victims out there that maybe have had something similar happen to them. 

My fiance and I had been living on our own for a few months now since my parents kicked me out because I got engaged to him and they didn’t approve.  I was working part-time and going to school part-time and between my fiance and myself, finances were a little tight especially with 3 kids between us.  

It was Christmas time and we had hardly any extra money. We both agreed on only getting the kids 2 gifts and nothing for each other. My fiance had been “eyeing” a pocket watch that could be engraved with his initials on it. I really wanted to get him something special for Christmas so I was bound and determined to figure out how to get that for him.  I posted on Facebook about how I wanted to make some extra money to help with the holidays and an old friend of mine messaged me. He said that he had been working crazy hours and was having a party this upcoming weekend and his house was a disaster. He would pay me to come to clean the house for him while he was at work.  I readily agreed!  I was so excited thinking that I could get my fiance the gift he really wanted!

The next day I had off of work and only had one class in the morning. As soon as I was finished with the class I drove to the friend’s house.  He said he was going to be there to let me in and then head off to work. What I didn’t realize was that work was in his basement.  I didn’t think too much of it because I had known this friend for a few years, I felt comfortable and safe around him.  

When I got there he gave me a really long hug and told me how much he had missed seeing me and that we needed to get together sometime with my fiance and his wife. (She was on a business trip during this time).  I said that sounded good and asked what all he wanted to be cleaned.  He showed me everything and where the cleaning supplies were. I got started with picking things up around the house. There were toys and clothes everywhere. It looked like he and his son had lived in the family room for the past week.  Between the junk and the dirty dishes, I felt like I was never going to get finished.  

In the middle of trying to clean up the family room, he coming walking upstairs in just his boxers. He looked like he was high or something which was really strange because he had always been so against any type of drugs or alcohol. I looked at him and asked him what he was doing. He replied that his wife wouldn’t have sex with him anymore and told him to find someone else.  He hadn’t been attracted to anyone lately like he was to me. He grabbed his dick and said, “don’t you want some of this”.  I asked him if he was high and he denied it. I told him I was about to be married and I was not interested in anyone else other than my fiance.   He turned around and went back downstairs.  He came up a little bit later and apologized for how he acted.  He was just really lonely and frustrated but it was rude and disrespectful of him to act like that towards me. I accepted the apology and he went back down to work. 

I probably should have left at this point, but I really wanted to be able to get the watch for my fiance, so I stuck it out, thinking he wasn’t going to try anything else. I was wrong.  

A little bit later he came back upstairs and said that he had a proposition for me. I wouldn’t have to clean up any more of the house and that he would just give me the money if I would just sleep with him.  I told him no. That I was happily going to be married and that I wasn’t going to cheat.  He said fine but if I didn’t have sex with him that he was going to tell my fiance that we did and that he wasn’t going to pay me anything and that he would tell my fiance that the only reason I came over today was to have sex with him. I knew my fiance would believe this guy over me because he was already insecure in our relationship and always asking if I was cheating on him. Plus I really didn’t have any other option to be able to get my fiance a gift. So I gave in. 

Once he was done I got up and ran bawling my eyes out to the bathroom. I felt so disgusting. I vomited a couple times in the toilet. What the hell just happened. Why did I let him do that to me?  I stayed in the bathroom for probably a half hour on the floor crying till there were no more tears to come out.  

I came out of the bathroom and finished sweeping the floor and I found him and told him I was leaving. He informed me at that point that he didn’t have any cash on him. That he would bring it to me the next day. I said fine just so I could leave. I felt numb. The rest of the day I just went through the motions of life. 

The next morning I text him and asked him when he was going to bring the money to me.  He said that I didn’t finish the job and that I needed to come back to finish it. Then he would give me the money. I argued with him over it and he wouldn’t budge on it.  I was so upset. Angry at him. Angry at myself. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I was lied to. I felt like nothing. 

He messaged me the next day asking when I was coming back. I blocked him in every form possible. But that memory was still there and will always be there. 

Just recently (about 6 months after it happened) I opened up to a friend about it. She asked me if filed a police report. I told her no. Why would I do that? She said because I had been raped.  I looked at her and said but I didn’t fight him or anything. she replied, “You went in with honest intent and was manipulated and coerced. Rape does not have to be physically forced to be raped. You were raped and I believe the law would be on your side. I will go with you if you want to report it.” I told her no I didn’t want my husband (we had been married since this happened) to know anything about it. I really don’t think he would believe my side of it. Plus I want to forget it ever happened.  

If you have been raped or know someone who has been raped, please reach out and call 1-800-656-HOPE

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A couple months back I had an over night and a day time sleep study done.

That was fun. Not. lol. In my head I thought it would be great. I could catch up on my sleep while I was there. YEA… NO. I seriously felt like I didn’t sleep the whole time I was there.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when I finally got in to see the doc and get my results.

For the day time study- I had to take 5 naps 15minutes long each. (yea… thats not a nap for me- thats just torture).  During each of those naps, I feel asleep with all of them. The doc was amazed. He said most the people he see’s maybe fall asleep with 1. ONE!!! I fell asleep with all of them!! (Though I didn’t think I did with any of them.)

For the night time study- I was told I woke up a minimum of 15x an hour!!! How does that even happen?? Especially with out me even knowing it??

So now we are trying Armodafinil and Modafinil to see if those help during the day and then different sleeping meds to help me sleep at night. So far the sleeping meds just seem to make life work.

We shall see. I just want to not feel like I want to sleep all day long. I am tired of always being tired.

 

**** Update. I have decided to switch docs after arguing with mine for 20mins about what dosage I was on and him swearing that I was wrong and that my pharmacy had mis-labled everything. So, Heres hoping the new doc can help more!