MEANT TO POST THIS A FEW WEEKS AGO- I COPIED AND PASTED BUT FORGOT TO GET WHERE THE ORIGINAL SOURCE WAS FROM. I AM SORRY.

This store touched my heart so much. I wanted to share

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The original author wanted to remain annonomys.

 

Not even sure how to start. This is a burden that has been on my heart for a while and I have told very few people about this experience because honestly, I know most will see me as in the wrong because I am not the stereotypical look of being “raped”, but in reality I was.  It has taken me a long time to move on and get over this because even though I knew it was rape- part of me blamed myself and if I am truthful, I still have moments where I have flashbacks to that night and replay every moment and everything I could have done differently to make the outcome not be the one that it was. 

But this is my story, my pain, my dark hole. I am hoping that with this article, it will open a light up for other victims out there that maybe have had something similar happen to them. 

My fiance and I had been living on our own for a few months now since my parents kicked me out because I got engaged to him and they didn’t approve.  I was working part-time and going to school part-time and between my fiance and myself, finances were a little tight especially with 3 kids between us.  

It was Christmas time and we had hardly any extra money. We both agreed on only getting the kids 2 gifts and nothing for each other. My fiance had been “eyeing” a pocket watch that could be engraved with his initials on it. I really wanted to get him something special for Christmas so I was bound and determined to figure out how to get that for him.  I posted on Facebook about how I wanted to make some extra money to help with the holidays and an old friend of mine messaged me. He said that he had been working crazy hours and was having a party this upcoming weekend and his house was a disaster. He would pay me to come to clean the house for him while he was at work.  I readily agreed!  I was so excited thinking that I could get my fiance the gift he really wanted!

The next day I had off of work and only had one class in the morning. As soon as I was finished with the class I drove to the friend’s house.  He said he was going to be there to let me in and then head off to work. What I didn’t realize was that work was in his basement.  I didn’t think too much of it because I had known this friend for a few years, I felt comfortable and safe around him.  

When I got there he gave me a really long hug and told me how much he had missed seeing me and that we needed to get together sometime with my fiance and his wife. (She was on a business trip during this time).  I said that sounded good and asked what all he wanted to be cleaned.  He showed me everything and where the cleaning supplies were. I got started with picking things up around the house. There were toys and clothes everywhere. It looked like he and his son had lived in the family room for the past week.  Between the junk and the dirty dishes, I felt like I was never going to get finished.  

In the middle of trying to clean up the family room, he coming walking upstairs in just his boxers. He looked like he was high or something which was really strange because he had always been so against any type of drugs or alcohol. I looked at him and asked him what he was doing. He replied that his wife wouldn’t have sex with him anymore and told him to find someone else.  He hadn’t been attracted to anyone lately like he was to me. He grabbed his dick and said, “don’t you want some of this”.  I asked him if he was high and he denied it. I told him I was about to be married and I was not interested in anyone else other than my fiance.   He turned around and went back downstairs.  He came up a little bit later and apologized for how he acted.  He was just really lonely and frustrated but it was rude and disrespectful of him to act like that towards me. I accepted the apology and he went back down to work. 

I probably should have left at this point, but I really wanted to be able to get the watch for my fiance, so I stuck it out, thinking he wasn’t going to try anything else. I was wrong.  

A little bit later he came back upstairs and said that he had a proposition for me. I wouldn’t have to clean up any more of the house and that he would just give me the money if I would just sleep with him.  I told him no. That I was happily going to be married and that I wasn’t going to cheat.  He said fine but if I didn’t have sex with him that he was going to tell my fiance that we did and that he wasn’t going to pay me anything and that he would tell my fiance that the only reason I came over today was to have sex with him. I knew my fiance would believe this guy over me because he was already insecure in our relationship and always asking if I was cheating on him. Plus I really didn’t have any other option to be able to get my fiance a gift. So I gave in. 

Once he was done I got up and ran bawling my eyes out to the bathroom. I felt so disgusting. I vomited a couple times in the toilet. What the hell just happened. Why did I let him do that to me?  I stayed in the bathroom for probably a half hour on the floor crying till there were no more tears to come out.  

I came out of the bathroom and finished sweeping the floor and I found him and told him I was leaving. He informed me at that point that he didn’t have any cash on him. That he would bring it to me the next day. I said fine just so I could leave. I felt numb. The rest of the day I just went through the motions of life. 

The next morning I text him and asked him when he was going to bring the money to me.  He said that I didn’t finish the job and that I needed to come back to finish it. Then he would give me the money. I argued with him over it and he wouldn’t budge on it.  I was so upset. Angry at him. Angry at myself. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I was lied to. I felt like nothing. 

He messaged me the next day asking when I was coming back. I blocked him in every form possible. But that memory was still there and will always be there. 

Just recently (about 6 months after it happened) I opened up to a friend about it. She asked me if filed a police report. I told her no. Why would I do that? She said because I had been raped.  I looked at her and said but I didn’t fight him or anything. she replied, “You went in with honest intent and was manipulated and coerced. Rape does not have to be physically forced to be raped. You were raped and I believe the law would be on your side. I will go with you if you want to report it.” I told her no I didn’t want my husband (we had been married since this happened) to know anything about it. I really don’t think he would believe my side of it. Plus I want to forget it ever happened.  

If you have been raped or know someone who has been raped, please reach out and call 1-800-656-HOPE

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A couple months back I had an over night and a day time sleep study done.

That was fun. Not. lol. In my head I thought it would be great. I could catch up on my sleep while I was there. YEA… NO. I seriously felt like I didn’t sleep the whole time I was there.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when I finally got in to see the doc and get my results.

For the day time study- I had to take 5 naps 15minutes long each. (yea… thats not a nap for me- thats just torture).  During each of those naps, I feel asleep with all of them. The doc was amazed. He said most the people he see’s maybe fall asleep with 1. ONE!!! I fell asleep with all of them!! (Though I didn’t think I did with any of them.)

For the night time study- I was told I woke up a minimum of 15x an hour!!! How does that even happen?? Especially with out me even knowing it??

So now we are trying Armodafinil and Modafinil to see if those help during the day and then different sleeping meds to help me sleep at night. So far the sleeping meds just seem to make life work.

We shall see. I just want to not feel like I want to sleep all day long. I am tired of always being tired.

 

**** Update. I have decided to switch docs after arguing with mine for 20mins about what dosage I was on and him swearing that I was wrong and that my pharmacy had mis-labled everything. So, Heres hoping the new doc can help more!

 

 

I have been trying to figure out new things to post about.  

I have also gone through my drafts and found a few blogs I hadn’t finished writing or posting about. So I am going to start going through them and getting them finished and posted. 

 

Do you have any suggestion of what you would like to see me write about??? 

 

Just let me know! 

It is Monday.  The Monday after daylight savings… so we lost an hour of sleep.

I overslept this morning.

Which maybe was a good thing.

I got a knock on my door this morning that woke me up. I thought it was grandma coming but it was the police.  My first thought was uh… all my dogs are in the house- wonder what I did. But what came out of his mouth was nothing I was prepared to hear.

A neighbor had taken his life during the early morning.

I have known the neighbor for 13years now. We have had our ups and downs and butted heads at times but overall was a great neighbor.

I am still in disbelief. I just keep praying for the family.

May God bring a peace to their family as they are going through this difficult time.

 

 

My doctor’s office called to confirm my appointment while I was at work. I share an office with another female but our office is pretty much open to the rest of the store so everyone can hear most of what it said. During the confirmation call- the receptionist asked me if I wanted to know if I was coming in for a PAP or a physical. And I whispered PAP hoping that no one heard me.  After I got off the phone, I started thinking, why the secrecy with going to the doctor for a regular checkup? Why do women whisper or leave the room when they talk about it?  So here I am. Talking about my PAP.

It was last Thursday. I killed two birds with one stone and had it done during my regular yearly checkup.  I also had a breast exam while I was there.  I had my nurse practitioner (doc), the medical assistant and also a medical student.  As I was legs up in the stirrups the NP was checking my IUD string, the student couldn’t see the string so I asked if they would like my phone flashlight to be able to see better. They laughed and said it was a good idea. They had some on their glasses and probably should start using them.

The nurse practitioner had to show the student how to do a breast exam on someone else. So I had the NP on one boob and the student on the other.  NO LUMPS!!

Everything went great!! Great visit. Great doc. Great Staff. Good down there for another year.

 

 

This week I have come to realize:

• People are strange
• I literally bit my tongue throughout the day- for no particular reason.
• I need to re-adjust my thought process.
• That no matter what I set out for the kids to wear- whoever dresses them will always switch up the outfits.
• Life isn’t as bad as you think it is.

 

Hope you enjoyed the realizations for this week!

 

If you would like to contribute to next weeks post- just hit the contact me tab.

Like my Realization Friday posts. I want to do a grateful Monday post. I want to start the week off on a positive note. So each week I am going to try and gather things that I am grateful for along with things that others are grateful for and do a post on Mondays. So if there is anything you are grateful for- send me an email and I can add to my post next week!

 

This week I am Most Grateful for:

 

• My bible study group at church. 
• My God and the way that he works in my life. 
• My coworkers. They make the days so much better! 
• My weighted blanket. 

Happy Friday!!  TGIF!!

Thank you everyone, who contributed to this weeks post! Keep those realizations coming in!

This week I’ve come to realize: 

~ The devil definitely knows how to pull me away from where I need to/should be.

~ In a lot of ways- I am in this alone.

~  I need to accept that I can not live life as fully as I want with out meds.

~ The profound benefit of thinking positive.

~ There are seriously some strange people in this world.

~ My dad was full of truth: “It takes all kinds to make the world go round”.

~ Some days I have a very hard time concentrating.

~ That I really miss blogging.