I just feel like the last couple of years have been rough. Just seems like one thing after another after another have worn me down so much emotionally, mentally, and physically.
The next couple of posts are going to be a recap of those years. (mainly so I can remember all that I withstood lol)
So 2021…
I started the year quarantining with Covid.
January- I went in for my routine monthly high-risk doc appt/ultrasound. While there I asked them if they could check my cervix because I just felt like the babies were very low. It literally felt like if I sneezed one would fall out. So they checked and low and behold my cervix was dilated 3cm and was shortened so they wanted me to go to labor and delivery to be further checked out. So off I went. I call my husband and my doula and they meet me there as soon as they can. Come to find out I was having contractions and didn’t even know it… So they gave me a steroid shot to strengthen the baby’s lungs just in case and start me on magnesium to stop the labor. If you have ever had magnesium…. you know, its NO JOKE! They finally were able to get the contractions to stop but then my O2 levels dropped and I pretty much passed out and vomited everywhere. It scared my husband!! They took me down for a cat scan later on that night and had half the LD staff go with me and a crash cart- just in case it was needed. I stayed in the hospital for 4 days till my oxygen levels were normal and they thought I would be ok to go home. I was taken off work and was told to go on modified bed rest.
This was a good thing because then I was at least home with the kids during their “in-home virtual school/learning”. Needless to say- bedrest wasn’t really an option as I tried to wrangle a 5 and 6-year-old to stay in front of their computers- pay attention- no play around- and not shut anything off! I was very lucky too that during this time, my full-time job was able to give me some work to do at home so even though it wasn’t full-time – I was still able to get work done and get a paycheck.
February 15th I had my oldest daughter do my make-up and take “maternity pics” of me. I couldn’t afford to hire someone for that, unfortunately. But she did an amazing job. And it’s a good thing I did them that day.
February 18th- I go to the hospital because I was having contractions- I got sent home. Cervix was still a 3 and the contractions slowed down.
February 20th… the night before my hubby and I decided to do a date night and had all the kids stay the night somewhere so we could just have the house to ourselves. We went to dinner and watched a movie at home. The next morning (the 20th) we had a community serve at our church and I had work I needed to get done, so we got up early, went and got donuts, and then headed to the church for the day. Once we got to the church I started working and he started helping with the serve. I kept having contractions but really didn’t think too much of it because I had just been sent home from LD a few nights before. I mentioned it to my husband and he was like- you need to call your doc. So I called and was told pretty much- it’s up to me if I want to go in or not. So I finished up my work, chatted with a few of the people at the church, and told them what was going on. I told my husband it was up to him what we did because they were just going to send me home. He said, “let’s go up and see, it’s not like we had anything else to do that day”. So we head up to the hospital which from our church was about a 45 min drive. I text my doula just to give her a heads up but told her not to worry because like the last time, I would just probably be sent home. I get to the hospital and get checked out- I was 5 cm dilated, having strong close contractions and I was going to have the babies that day. They did an ultrasound and Praise God both babies were head down and I could try to have them both vaginally. They got me all set up, gave me an epidural (even tho I didn’t want it- but with twins, it’s highly recommended even if it’s not used for pain- just in case they have to do an emergency c-section. And then broke baby b’s water. I got to the hospital around 2ish and the babies were born around 550 and 620! They both were healthy and strong but needed NICU time.
Having our babies in the NICU was hard emotionally. Going back and forth every day… then feeling like you are not there enough. Is hard. Then when Graci came home but Eli had to stay it was even harder. I couldn’t take Graci back up with me so unless I had a babysitter or Brett was home, I couldn’t go up there nor could Brett and I really go up there together. It was rough. Thankfully Eli was only in the NICU for a week longer than Graci.
The next few months honestly were wonderful and probably the best I had felt mentally in a very long time.
Come the end of April- I knew we needed the money so I looked and applied for a new job. I got one that is amazing. I can pretty much make my own hours, if I need to leave for the kids, I can. I can work as needed and it’s only part-time which right now with the other 2 jobs and the kids- I can’t do more. But with working again, not sleeping through the night, the stress of twins, kids, and life- I am just really worn down in so many ways. Mentally and emotionally I am struggling every single day. I will have a good day here and there but overall I am taking life day by day because I don’t know what else to do at this point. I am seeing a counselor and had my meds increased. I am going to go see a doc to be tested for ADD. I am at the point where I am willing to look into everything because something has got to give. I have absolutely no motivation for anything and it’s affecting my life too much.
June I had a car accident that totaled our van. Thankfully everyone involved was ok. We did get a new vehicle so that is a blessing, but was def a pain in the but trying to find something we could afford and fit the whole family.
A few days before Thanksgiving my bother passed away very unexpectedly. So that has made the holiday’s really hard on the family.
I think the hardest part of this year has been my mindset and depression. I feel very overwhelmed with life and everything that I am responsible for. With having twins, it brought on a whole other level of stress and responsibility that has opened my eyes to so many different things in my life that really aren’t the way they should be. So the next year is going to be getting ME back and moving towards the life that we should have.
Here’s to 2022!
Overthinking Mama 